She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
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If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
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I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I love you.
Bad choice
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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