I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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