Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
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all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
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You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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