I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
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I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
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I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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