I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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