I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
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Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
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When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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