Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize