nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
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candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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