This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
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protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
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i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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