so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
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Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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