I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
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Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
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I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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