And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i love accidental penises.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
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So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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