so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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