well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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