theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
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The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
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I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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