New low: just hacked my moms facebook
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize