How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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