I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
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He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
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My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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