she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
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There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
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I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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