I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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