Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
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Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
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He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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