So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
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We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
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My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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