The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
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i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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