I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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