Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
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We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
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As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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