xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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