just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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