Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize