I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
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I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
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I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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