You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
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Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
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I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
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