i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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