When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
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Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
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I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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