life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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