i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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