my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
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it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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