I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
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I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
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I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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