Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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