Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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