we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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