When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
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I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
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I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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