Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
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This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
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I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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