morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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