Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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