1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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