so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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