so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
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Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
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I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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