just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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