We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
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Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
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I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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