My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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