gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He felt like a one man threesome
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
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You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
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You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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